Thursday, March 19, 2009

Be Still

I've been realizing something recently.

Next month I will celebrate my 3rd anniversary with my company, and it will have been 4 years since I moved in to my apartment. This will be the longest consecutive employment I've had with one company, and matching the longest I ever lived in one home (same house all 4 years of high school). I've been feeling odd and out of sorts recently, and I begin to think it is because my life is still.

Now, please do not think that my life is stagnant, it is certainly not that (and I can't wait to tell you about the Miles Christi Spiritual Exercises retreat I made last weekend), but it is still. I am learning to be a steward of what I have where I am rather than to think about what I want or where I will be. I lived in 5 states by age 12, and attended 12 schools by grade 9. I moved around a lot when I was young, and even though I've now been in Illinois for over half my life, that rootless foundation still has it's effect. Even though I don't want anything to change, it feels like it ought to be changing. And that's not to mention that even though I lived in the same house and went to the same high school for four years, I spent all of that time waiting for college, and then I spent all of college thinking about being married, and my first few years after college still thinking about being married - Now, I am living my life.

I think our society is one which avoids stillness (I'm thinking for example of the recent Kate Winslet/Leonardo DiCaprio movie) and I am no different. I used to wake up to the radio, turn the TV on for background noise, and fall asleep to the radio. I used to spend hours daydreaming about being an actress, an officer in the Marines or the wife of a Marine, the wife of an international diplomat... all very exciting, all very glamorous (OK, maybe the Marines aren't glamorous to you - but when I was little and people asked what I wanted to do when I grew up I always said I wanted to Marry a Marine!) and all pretty "non-stop" in their attributes.

So here I am. On my 30th birthday this summer I will still be in the same apartment, I will still work for the same company, still be single, and still (probably) not have heard God say "Go!" God has been saying "Wait" a lot recently; "Wait and be still". "Stay, and learn", "Sit, and listen". Have you ever looked up the word "still" in the dictionary? According to "still" has almost two dozen definitions, including "remaining at peace or at rest", "free from sound or noise", "free from turbulence or commotion", "steadily, constantly, always", "in addition", "to silence or hush", "to calm", "to quiet"....

Job 33:31 says "Pay attention, Job, and listen to me; be silent, and I will speak. "

I guess my whole life is God's way of getting me to pay attention. Well the Lord has my attention, and I almost said "now what?" - but the "now what" is to keep my attention on Him. Always.

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